Episode 3: UCSB, Part II

Hey fam!

This episode will be covering the second half of my college life. Its a bit more emotionally intense than the previous episode, so be prepared! 

The last 7 minutes of this episode will be an oracle card reading, so let me know what you think of it! Have an intention ready before I read the card to you. I hope you all enjoy it :)

XOXO,
Janny

IG: @janeration.pod
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Transcript

Episode 3: College at UCSB Part 2

Hi everyone! 

Welcome back to Janeration, with your host, Janny Nguyen! 

I hope you are all ready to hear about the rest of my time at UCSB!

As I’ve mentioned in the previous episode, my college experience was quite the roller coaster ride..

So I’ll remind you all again and disclaim that this episode will be an emotional one, maybe a little intense for some listeners..

But to recap on part 1 of my college experience, / Episode 2: 

I was in a very toxic relationship, and found the strength to finally break free from the abuse. 

I took a break from school to learn how to manage my mental and physical well-being due to my medical condition, interstitial cystitis. 

I discovered and became aware of how to love and respect myself; 

through an intense self-development course,

Which helped me gain confidence in creating a healthy, fun college experience with the help of my family and friends. 

*rainstick*

Year 4: 

After the first few years of chaos, I finally got the chance to live my college life on my own terms.

Throughout my fourth year of college, I became much closer to Sam and Chia.

We spent that year checking in on each other, making sure we weren’t sourcing our own problems, and shared the common goal of wanting our family to take on this journey as well.

I remember driving home from school or work, where Sam would call me and simply ask how my day was. 

It was so simple, but since we didn’t connect like this before, I was actually glad to share my day with her every time she called.. 

It warmed my heart, and also made me so happy when we ended our calls with “I love you’s”.. 

Bc I just got used to expressing my love, verbally, to her this way.

Growing up in a traditional Vietnamese household, I was always taught to SHOW my LOVE by being obedient and respectful; especially to my elders.

Not saying that I wasn't taught HOW to love my sisters, but maybe I didn’t realize that I should express it in this way, by actually saying those words.

I know it's weird to say, but I didn’t really start saying “I love you” to my sibling as much until Sam and I started doing so. 

After taking that intense 5-day self-development course, I realized I was so disconnected from myself, emotionally and spiritually, those past years I was in an abusive relationship with my ex. 

So when year 4 came, I finally felt like I could embrace who I was through my love and kindred spirit to the people who were a part of my life. 

I was able to let go of the heavy burden I caused myself and my family after those years, 

But it took me fighting for my life to open up my eyes and see how much real love can truly heal you. 

I overcame this emotional, psychological pain of understanding what love should be through my own lens and experience, BUT that was all thanks to Sam for initiating this path for me. 

All of my joy and development of self-love and respect came from taking this course--

I can’t imagine what my life would have continued to look like, 

if I didn’t listen to my sister and choose to take this path.

Choosing ME was the best decision I have ever made and it made my 4th year unbelievably fulfilling.

I had so much fun with my classes, cousins, Tahitian dance club friends, and even with work!

I also switched majors because my counselor explained that I didn’t HAVE to have a bio degree in order to go to med school. 

Nevertheless, year 4 was a wrap, and I had to prepare myself for summer school. 

*rainstick*

Okay, this is the part where things took a huge turn. It's gonna be intense.. Please be prepared.. 

I will never forget this day. 

It was June 18th 2012.

I came home from babysitting and was beginning to pack up my belongings since I had to move out of my current apartment into the apartment I leased for summer courses.

I was so excited to move out and onto the next school year.

And I couldn’t wait to enjoy my 5th year of college since my 4th year was so amazing.

But, as I was in my room, getting all of my things together, I received a phone call that changed my life forever.. 

Just the day before, my family and I were all together in LA celebrating Sam and her third baby. 

She was coming out the next day, and we were all so excited to meet our second niece, the newest addition to our family.

I, unfortunately, had to go back to Santa Barbara to sign my new apt lease, go to work, and pack my belongings, so I couldn’t stay in town.. Even though I really wanted to.

The call was about Sam. As I was listening to what was being said, my heart dropped. 

I was told that my sister had complications after giving birth to my niece, and didn’t make it. 

Tears immediately ran down my face, and I screamed in disbelief.

I dropped my phone and fell to the floor, crying, not wanting to believe what I just heard. 

I was trembling..trying to call one of my sisters, but I could barely even make words out. 

How was I supposed to get to my family and be with them?

I could barely breathe, 

I was in complete shock, 

that I just lost the one sister I began connecting with on a deeper level.

Why and how could this happen? Why did this happen to my sister??

Nothing made sense and I was so angry that I wasn’t home to be with her or my family. 

I was in no condition to drive myself home from Santa Barbara, but thankfully I had a friend take me. 

As I approached the hospital, my two younger sisters, Christina and Trinh were waiting for me out front. 

I got out of the car and hugged my sisters so tight and cried, hoping this was just a nightmare I had to wake up from. 

As we held hands and walked to where the rest of my family was, this nightmare became a reality. 

Sam, Chi Trang, my eldest sister, had passed away. 

We lost a member of our family, and I couldn’t handle how difficult this was going to be; especially for Sam’s kids, my mom, and my siblings. 

I couldn’t believe that right when I felt like my life was beginning to be on a good roll, I lost the one person that believed in me the most. 

The person that helped me become a better version of myself was suddenly taken away from me. 

I was crushed, mortified that I was never going to hear her voice or receive a call from her ever again. My heart couldn’t take this, and there was no way of fixing it. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but My sister Thuy was the only person at the hospital with Sam while everything was happening and became the appointed parental guardian for Sam’s daughter, Athena. As well as her other two sons, Kendrick and Rayden. 

*rainstick* Let me tell you about my sister,

Samantha Thu Trang Lieu:

She was the strongest, most loving and caring big sister anyone could ask for. 

Sam was always the sister that dragged us out on family trips, planned fun events, 

group chatted us the most, 

Especially about what we might be having for dinner.. (lol) If she could join in

She was driven, fierce, and always took matters in her own hands if things didn’t work out. 

Basically, no matter what the cost, she somehow forced us all to spend quality time together, creating and building memories that would last our entire lives. 

She also taught us all to never take no for an answer.. 

I remember times when I would have to talk to someone over the phone, to fix the internet or something, and IF she didn’t get what she asked for, she’d simply say 

“you know what, let me speak to your supervisor!”

We used to make fun of her, and laugh with her because later on in life, we used that phrase to get away with everything.. <3

Growing up in such a huge family, there were generation gaps between the older and younger sisters. There were plenty of times where my sisters and I didn’t want to or couldn’t get along,

But Sam always brought us all together. When we’d fight she’d make us apologize and hug each other.

Samantha was the one that sculpted and helped my sisters and I develop such a strong, sisterly bond.  

She used to plan days for us to go cherry picking, go hiking, to the beach, camping, cooking.

Even when we were all moody or had excuses, she still made the effort to plan family gatherings.

As we all got older Sam really helped us understand the significance of our sisterhood and taught us to appreciate the time we spent together.. And just as we began to develop it, we lost her..

When I was a kid I didn’t understand why she put so much pressure on me when it came to school and college. As I became an adult, I understood that she was just looking out for my best interest.. Bc that's what big sisters do.. Its their job to look out for your future..

And as I realized this, knowing that she’s gone, my heart just kept breaking.

I feel ashamed that I used to blame her, get angry at why she was pushing me so hard, resent her for yelling at me.. But little did I know that ALL of that was just her way of loving me and supporting me.. 

*rainstick*

Losing my sister so early in life was one of the hardest things I ever had to endure.

How could I ever heal from not having her in my life? 

I can’t. I love and miss her everyday.

She was my eldest sister and was the best role model for all of us. 

She was so strong, had the best energy, and battled so many obstacles that came her way. 

After losing her, I felt so weak, and dazed that I wanted to cancel my summer school courses. 

I wanted to be with my family and not worry about school, but my other sisters and I knew that Sam would have wanted me to continue school and be strong. 

So I reluctantly decided to go after Sam’s funeral.

But, I was whipped by another hurdle. Literally.

The day of Sam’s funeral service, I got into the worst car accident of my life. 

My car was completely totaled..

IF you are familiar with CA’s 405 freeway, this is where it happened.

It's known for super dense, busy traffic, crazy drivers, in Los Angeles, CA 

I was on the 405 when the driver to my left suddenly cut me off; 

making me lose control of the steering wheel; that I spun out, hit the center dividerer, and the impact of that hit, made my car hit the other side of the freeway.

Everything happened so fast, and Idk how I was lucky enough to come out alive. 

The front of my car was smashed into the wall.

As I opened my car door, I saw 3 people running towards me, calling 9/11 telling me that other car was trying to take off. I can’t believe this person literally just took off after nearly killing someone, me!

The first thing I thought of was my family, 

how hurt they would be knowing that I just got into a crazy car accident. 

Suddenly, I noticed the cops and the ambulance were already at the scene. 

I guess they were in traffic with me and witnessed the whole thing. Total hit and run. 

I couldn’t remember anything about the other car except that it was light blue in color. 

I was in complete shock and refused to go in the ambulance. 

I didn’t know who to call because I didn’t want my family to freak out, but I ended up calling Chia, 

who then had my other sister, Lucy come as well.

They came and took me to the hospital where I later found out that both of my knees were sprained from getting smashed into the lower dash in the car accident. 

My face, arms, and legs were bruised, but I couldn’t feel much because I was in such shock at the time.

I just wanted to be home with my mom and family.

I was ashamed that I totaled the car my brother in law gifted to me, and that I got into this stupid accident right after Sam passsed away. 

I was disappointed that I caused my mom and family more heartache and worry; especially when it was such a sensitive time for my family.

After all of this happened, I did not have the energy or desire to attend summer school anymore.. 

I was exhausted.. mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, on all planes. 

All I could think about was that I lost my sister.. I missed her so much

How was I going to be stable enough to even absorb anything? 

I felt like if I went to school, information would probably just flow in one ear and out the other..

BUT then it hit me. 

Sam was gone and I couldn’t help but think of what she used to say to me; 

that the best thing I could do for myself and my family was to get my education and degree.

I knew that she would be happy and proud that I pushed through to graduate college.

So with what little will power I had left in me, I went back to Santa Barbara for the summer session. 

Only now to find that someone had stolen my bike..

 *sigh*

My bike was locked onto Sal’s bike, on the bike rack in front of our apt, but the whole rack was gone.

This was literally the lowest point in my life.

I just lost my sister, totaled my car in an accident, and now, someone stole my bike.

I had to walk everywhere with my sprained knees and was depressed about my life completely.

I just wanted to give up.

My anxiety was through the roof and I had no idea how long it was going to take me to get out of this hell hole I was going through. 

I felt like my life was in limbo, and didn’t understand why I was suffering so much.

I had to make a decision. Was I going to let my life fall into pieces or am I going to pick myself up?

*rainstick*

I ended up finishing summer school. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. 

The house that I moved into was filled with energetic and friendly girls that I bonded with right away.

We only spent about 6 weeks together, but I am so thankful I got through this time with them. 

Its’ crazy how people will come in and out of your life, for certain periods of time, 

but sometimes those people are the ones that help navigate YOU to better.. In all aspects of life.

Ultimately, my 5th and final year of UCSB came and was filled to the rim. 

After weeks of physical therapy for my knees, 

I fell in love with the profession and decided to dive into Physical Therapy school after graduation. 

As difficult as it was to continue school after losing my sister,

I wanted her spirit to live through me in EVERYTHING I did.

I continued to dance with my ITO Ohana. 

I remember when I first shared to her that I started hula dancing, she was so thrilled and wanted to come to my performances.. 

So everytime I danced, I was happy knowing that she was watching my performances from above.. 

I continued babysitting for the Pepper family.

Sam was actually on my resume when I applied for the job, and if it wasn’t for her chatting with my boss and talking me up, I wouldn’t have had that opportunity to care for this family.

Working and being a part of this family helped me understand the level of commitment and LOVE that’s important to raise kids with strong morals and values--

something Sam instilled in me since I was young.

I took on two internships: one for physical therapy school and the other was called special olympics, where the community would plan athletic events for athletes with special needs. 

I also got another job at the local family market by campus to keep myself busy.

Sal graduated the year prior, so Vi and I had more time to spend together in my last year at UCSB. 

I kept surrounding myself with people I loved and it was literally the thing that saved my life during this period of time. 

I finally graduated with a Bachelors of Art in Sociology, with emphasis on biology in June ℅ 2013.

My entire family came to my graduation, including Sam’s baby girl, Athena.

She looks just like her mother, the resemblance is uncanny.. 

And it made me feel like Sam was there with ALL of us at my graduation :)

One of the biggest lessons I learned after losing my sister so early in life, 

is that it taught me that tomorrow may not be guaranteed, and the last impression we have with someone could very well be the last moment you share with them. 

So be the best version of you that you can be, in ALL aspects of your life!

My relationship with Sam before she passed fueled me in such a positive light that I can’t imagine being the person I used to be.

Everyday I strive to be the best sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, furr-mom that I can be. 

Most importantly, Sam taught me how to take control of my life and be a badass boss! 

Becoming an entrepreneur and having my own business today would have made her so proud. 

Sam taught and showed me that being proud of who you are is the best thing you can do for yourself.

An amazing thing to come out of this, was that my sister Thuy (guardian of kids/godmother) and 

Chia (Sam’s best friend, also godfather) fell in love as they took care of Sam’s kids together!

I was taken by surprise when I found out about their relationship, but it is literally the best thing that happened for our family and future. 

Things like this never really happen in real life, you just hear about it in the movies. 

But it did happen, and I am very grateful for it because now, I get to call Chia, my brother in law <3

I am so happy for them and their marriage! 

Also, after going through that painful, toxic relationship, I am happy to share with you all that I have been in a VERY healthy, loving relationship with my bf of 6.5 years, Jeff.

We actually met on Tinder and it's been quite a success story! LOL

We live together, work and support each other, and have 4 furr-babies: Joey, Chan, Hank, Ari.

Nevertheless, there’s no way of preparing yourself for what life throws at you. 

You must choose to want to live and choose wisely, the people you surround yourself with.

Obstacles and hardships will be around the corner, 

but it is up to YOU how you choose to move forward with your life.

Learn to not treat yourself as a victim. Learn and practice how to trust, love, and respect yourself. 

Reflect on tough times to fuel your passion and live in a happy, healthy body. 

Not just for yourself, but your loved ones. 

Maybe after this podcast you can send a text, call, or video chat someone you love and tell them how much they mean to you. 

Lead by example, and be the light at the end of the tunnel :)

*rainstick*

Well that just about covers it for this 3rd episode of Janeration!

This episode was a rocky road, but that’s how life is; it doesn’t always work in your favor/future.

Speaking of which, let’s draw a card from the oracle deck for today’s episode and see what shows up!

I am using the “Chakra Insight Oracle” Cards and book by Caryn Sangster.

Chakra Insight Oracle is a powerful tool for connecting to and understanding the subtleties of the energetic body through the age-old system of the chakras.

It is an invaluable resource for interpreting each card and addressing the underlying issues and potential ‘energy blocks’ within the chakras which ultimately helps promote self-healing and profound personal transformation.

So, let’s clear our mind, take a deep breath, and relax our body.

As I shuffle the cards, think of an intention. 

If you can, write it down to remind yourself of your intention.

After I pick an oracle card from the deck, 

I’ll read the card and allow you to reflect on what it means to you!

Okay, here we go!

I hope you have your intentions ready for this reading!!

*reading*

How do you feel about the card?

Did you resonate with it? Were there any connections to your intention?

Please let me know by commenting on the post for the podcast on my IG or FB page!

I’d love to hear what the reading meant to you!

Alrighty everyone! This sums up Episode 3 of my podcast!

Again you’re listening to, “Janeration” with your host, Janny Nguyen! 

The past two episodes covered my college life experience, 

so my next episode will be about my childhood!

If you liked what you’ve heard so far, please make sure to visit my website at https://janeration.buzzsprout.com where you can follow and subscribe to my podcast!

Don’t forget to also follow me on IG under @janeration.pod 

OR on FB at www.facebook.com/janny.nguyen

Thank you again so much for listening in!

Stay tuned for episode 4! Talk to you all soon! 

Xoxo,

Janny 

BTW: Episode 2’s singing bowl sound was created with the sacral chakra.

For today’s episode, I will be using the solar plexus chakra singing bowl. Here we go!

*singing bowl*